24/4/05 i didn't cry, but felt a slight sensation that i was going to when listening to aegen by malice mizer. such a fucking beautiful song. i might cry in the middle of library actually. "in my gathered memories i embrace you / and, fingers entwined, we fall asleep / in my gathered memories i embrace you / and can sink deeply into my dream " on another note, i hate when people bring up unnecesarily painful things from the past like it doesn't mean anything. no one knows what it took me to get here and it's just frustrating... i can tell no one takes me seriously. being lonely SUCKS!!!!

19/4/05 i don't really want to smoke weed at 5pm in a public park now that i think about it. i feel that maybe i wanna play LAN smash bros if anyone is up for it.

18/4/05 got officially diagnosed today. #oldmoney

14/4/05 nape pleaseplease

13/4/05 must...become...more...off putting...must...be...scary!!!! like what is the method to appear more myself. and not myself how people would say is okay, like entirely authentic and raw and new and old and just everything. not abiding to any specific beauty standards. i think it would be a super beautiful thing to consider because i'm so obsessed with how i'm perceived. since people look at me from afar moreso than have a conversation, surely how i appear on the outside is how they base their judgement. this key to success that people keep telling me about, attracting energy and being confident, is all just an act. everyone thinks it's wrong when i say i'll change and start masking, but also wrong when i stay the way i am because it's off putting. maybe i should just embrace the off putting. fully unmask. it'd make me so happy. i've stopped living life with consequence looming over my head. bedazzled my ipod. will the jewels fuck it up? probably. could i die tomorrow? possibly. who cares.

13/4/05 library trip. art & chemistry. tried the new rio monster, tasted like a sweet i can't remember, 4/10. listened to malice mizer on the way there. bought hairspray, litter tray stuff and eyeliner. someone looked at me weird for talking to the guinea pigs in the pet store. picked up 6 pieces of litter. listened to ecco2k and crystal castles on the way back.

11/4/05 there is a song out there like a beautiful life changing amazing song and i just haven’t heard it yet. like it’s deep in spotify. it’s probably not even ON spotify it’s in someone’s garageband or only acsessible through an unlisted youtube link. and there is no way no way some otherworldly being can whisper in my ear where to find it. or can they? maybe they are and i'm just not paying attention... this is a musical quest and when i find the song i will let you know!!

31/3/05 i'm so lucky to just be in bed. watching breaking bad. like only in a shirt and shorts, rolling around with my phone in hand, full brightness mind you, watching this show i like. i'm not worrying about dying, or my health, i'm not depressed, i'm just fucking watching breaking bad. how beautiful is this!!!! i wish others could relate but sometimes i go "do you guys think about that????" and they go "no. no beau we don't." shame really... i am incredibly grateful. like when the other day we forgot my bag at home, its okay. maybe there was a reason for that. my laptop could've broken. i could've spilled paint everywhere. maybe the battery would arrive and i would be so excited to fix my ipod that it would break.

27/3/05 i cried over a baby pony today

6/1/05 if i was a mini figure my small plastic accessory would be a DJ deck (i can't DJ) wait i take that back i'm sure being a DJ is about the spirit and that i could get the hang of it #discjockey

27/12/04 today i am so grateful that i have legs like some people don't and i do like wow i can go places lucky me