people describe me as childlike fairly often. i try to be. i try to dress like i did when i was little, with brighter colours and softer fabric, with embroidered bugs and plasticky sparkly boots. i think it's because today, when i go outside, it's rare that i see someone that makes me turn my head. i did the other day, they had these stripy colourful tights and big glasses and a yellow satchel. and i thought " woah ". i want people to think woah about me, because that person made me feel happy, just because they were dressing that way. i get very scared of bright colours, so i wear the same pair of jeans every day because they're safe to me. i'll pair that with the hoodie i wear every day, and a band shirt just so people know i'm cool. i feel like things look wrong on me when i try to express myself, especially because a) i'm not allowed to wear clothes that show my shoulders or knees or anything like that and b) i feel like my skin makes things look.. weird. like light pink for example, it's my favourite colour and when white girls wear it then it looks okay but when i do i look grey?
if you didn't know my name, which you don't, you'd think i was just a white girl. everyone says i look white, because my skin is pretty pale, olive maybe. but when they hear my name, they go hmm. iranian? arab? i am neither, and i don't think i'll share my ethnicity on here unless it's relevant. i have a beautiful culture and i love it dearly, but being " racially ambiguous " is odd. even though allegedly i fit in, i always feel like i stick out. i don't see race as that important, but when i'm around all my white friends, and i think " who, if anyone, is the odd one out here ", i think it's me. and my facial features make guys ask if i'm a man. i'm not a man. i like calling myself a girl but i don't feel like a woman either. gender is a whole different concept. since i'm autistic, i literally cannot comprehend it at all. like i just can't. i tried to explain this to a couple people a couple years ago, and they got quite angry and told me to define a woman, and a man. i didn't know what to say and it just stressed me out. there are some things i don't understand, but i still respect people. i wouldn't understand what it's like to be amab and want to be a woman and i will never understand. but i'd like to try, listen to others, and respect them. just because i don't instinctively understand a social construct doesn't mean i have to be evil. i'm not evil at all. i don't think there's an ounce of evil in me.
thus, my gender is eh and my sexuality is whatever. my identity and who i like, to me, is only important if you like me. otherwise who gives a fuck. i like existing in a peaceful state of unknown. it's fluid, comfortable and it's what works for me.
anyway, our original topic, childlike. i don't think, in essence, i have changed since i was a baby. my soul still shines as bright as i did then, i still have that wonder, i still get lonely, i still love colours and drawing and laughing and crying. unfortunately, that childlike part of me isn't really correct for this world. it's led to a lot of hurt, naivety, seeing the good in everything being both a blessing and a curse. i don't want to change who i am, i just have to be careful i think. i was falling asleep to joe pera's podcast last night, and the guy in it was saying that when you love someone, you can't let them know. you have to keep it a secret and work against your love so that they love you too. that's such a weird concept to me. i've always lived by " if you feel it, show it "
but that's wrong too. you shouldn't do that. you can't tell anyone things sometimes. i had no idea. keeping a secret inside me felt so wrong at first. all alone? all for me? does that mean it's real if i'm the only one who keeps it? i'm keeping a secret from the whole world right now. a deep trauma that i can't tell anyone about, since i'm not old enough to say it legally, and i have no friends, and no family who's close to me. so it's my secret. i know it's real because of course it bothers me. but i just try ignore it. i keep seeing stuff around, on tumblr, pinterest, in books, wherever. and it says to live in the real world and meditate and not listen to music and live in quiet. but i can't, not yet anyway. lately my thoughts are loud, but not how they were before. before, maybe three years ago now, i had very loud thoughts telling me how much i suck. now i know i don't suck, so that doesn't happen anymore. but what i do hear is thoughts about things that did happen, and it hurts my body deeply. i am a very very hurt girl. but that doesn't take away my beauty. i'm still pretty, i'm not ruined, and i still have more love to offer. i just have to be careful, and not tell anyone that i'm being careful. i can't show anyone that i'm afraid of them because they'll think i'm weak. people are such a difficult game, but i wanna play too.
i wanna have a friend who likes my company. maybe a few of them, and we like each other's company and work together. maybe even a boyfriend, who kisses me not because he wants something from me but just because he likes me. i want to be liked. i don't think there's anything wrong with that. i'm not gonna change who i am to fit in, i just have to fix how i act. awkward and scary and afraid. i'm very brave. i'm gonna watch south park now, my brain is tired of thinking and that is enough for today. bye bye, i love you.