beau's TOP secret diary

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6/8/05 hhiii guys... guess who's up at 3:58 am...?? me i am!! meeee! do you guys rememberthat video. i found it so funny. mmmeeee!!!haha. but yeah. it's funny how life is vastly different when you see things from a different perspective. like.. this time before bed and this time after bed is crayyy crayyy. i only just woke up. eww im watching penguinz0play re4 and the regeneradors are there grosss. but anyway i woke up after having a kinda bad dream. then i decided to tell my friend about the dream, but sadly afterwards i wasn't sleepy, and as i was tryying to sleep, i kept getting BAD thoughts. which you know. it happens. i get bad thoughts so much lately. like. so many. and they haunt me. i'll be in the middle of the street and i start gripping the roots of my hair like auugh no let's go home i can't do this anymore because the thoughts they hurt so bad. and it's weird, must be some chemical thing, because of course conciously i understand that like. you know the past was neededfor the future and that i'm safe now so likewhy does it pop in my head so much. it's all so like. traumatic. i'm really scared to talk to a therapist, not because i don't WANT to but i just don't want stuff to become a huge deal like it always does.. or god forbid it mingles with school and they have an ugly love child like the baby in eraserhead but ANYWAY. speakin of school. got my results!! all A's baby!! ooh yeaaahhh oh yeahhh uh huhhh who's prouuud i ammm oh yeaaahhh beau's da greatest beau's da greatest. hah. yeah. i keep stalking people who don't talk to me lately. but it's only the ones i was on relatively GOOD terms with, which is an improvement!!!!! i uh. will try to stop though. any memories could trigger bad ones. it hurts so bad. but last night i really slept cradled in the arms of angels. it was like a chorus of spirits all chanting that. they loved me. tonight that is NOT the case though sigh guess they're busy or something. but i know someone's tryna help me. they want me to be okay. and god loves me of course, i lidewally am a drop of water in that river so you know there are things around me. i don't know. a lot of my beliefs i'm worrying are psychosis. like. my hallucinations and stuff. i always thought it was god tryna talk to me but maybe i'm just losingmyshit. i'm a sweet girl. and i'm safe. and my bad thoughts don't make me. and they'll stop soon. i'm doing goodthough, i thought yeah get my thoughts out and put something on to distract myself. people tell me to just say constantly occupied, but they don't understand it genuinely needs to be constant. any moment for sleep, or waiting, or showering, all these awful memories just seep out and god i wish my brain could just be totally numb i've never been one for medication but i think i might need to attempt with some kind of antidepressants....atleast until i get back on my feet. princess beau always lands on her feet.

5/8/05 TECHNICALLY it's a new day. even though it's midnight... i have so many things to SAY. first off, past couple days i've been thinkin. FUCK BEING PRETTY. FUUUUCK. YOUUUUU. seriously WHY is this such a huuuge deal. i blame da internet. face card?? BODY TEA?? you are under SPELLLS THIS IS EVIL MAGIC. THIS IS JUST THE 90S REPACKAGED GUYS THIS ISN'T GOOD. i am so. SICK. and tired of attempting to adhere to beauty standards which are FUCKED UP because guess what. GIRLS. DON'T. GIVE. A SHIT. they'll take the uGLIEST guy and be like awww he's so handsomeee you know WHY. do you know why. i tell you. BECAUSE. SOCIEEETTYYYY. girls will literally settle for whatevr as long as the guy doesn't abuse her and oh wait SOMETIMES THEY DO THAT ANYWAY. like jesus christ/.. i. like. being. a. fleshy. girl. what does this mean?? I LIKE BEING DIRT. OKAY. I ENJOOYYY IT. i take pride in my meat because it's all. i. have. i can't control my bed. i can't move my dress on the wall no. my FINGERS are typing. MY. FINGERS. that's all i have. all i have is this body. why on EARTH. would i not like it. and like. ugh. UGH. like. i see all this stuff like heh ai losing weight app!! NOOOO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!! why. WHY do you sell yourself off to get teenage girls to starve themselves. YOU ARE LITERALLY A GIRL. WHAT IS THIS BEHAVIOUR. oh my godpleeeaaase like do you have no shame can we bring back shame. especially alt people like. are you kidding me right neow. are you lidewally kidding. i can't even be UGLY in peace because i'm goth i'm SUPPOSED TO BE UGLY. AAUUGGH. this is the part where i scream into my pillow. WAKE UP PEOPLE. WAKE. UUUUPPPPP!!!!!!!!!! i have a ton of opinions too like. ugh. you know. i try and be a sweet girl i do. but guys. i'm fluttermintypie. okay. im a mix of the three. that's actually not a horrible username someone write that down. i can BE loud you know. i feel like in order to be sweet i have to be quiet but that's not true. sometimes i like to be silly. and angry. and sad. and in that movement is the sugar that runs through my veins. all i want to be is a KIND girl. i'll fuck up but, i can always try again. i don't want to be happy or. any of this shit. i wanna be kind. and i don't deserve to be punished. i need to stop trying to punish myself. it is in my morals to prioritise rehabilitation. sigh. sorry guys. feelin weird lately. ps: i want clear glittery lip gloss so bad...!!!

4/8/05 today i didn't cry. and i don't think i will. a lot has been changing lately... i'm obviously not too fond of this. a lot of people don't like beau. when they think of her, they see how pathetic and bitchy and clingy she was. i don't think they remember how i never tried to hurt anyone, how i always tried to make everyone happy, how lost i was the whole time. and that's alright, they don't have to. even now, people tell me to go fuck myself... and that they don't rely on me, so i don't matter. it was only yesterday i discovered why i reach out to people so often, and it's because deep down, i don't want to be forgotten. i want to mean something good, or at least something you want to see again... but. you know. i still wish that everyone would forget me already. that they'd stop wanking off over the past and finally focus on the present.. i'm a raging storm, i always have been. i'm never just happy or just sad, my up and downs are drastic, everything about me is so over the top, so unnecessary, so much effort. and. no one makes me feel like that's a bad thing anymore. because i don't let them. i realise now that even my friends before were so fucking negative. they only wanted what's best for me...and they were kind...but everything was just a game to them. and my interests and ways i acted was always gross and weird and annoying. they were never even my FRIENDS anyway they were just fuckin there that's the thing when you grow up like ME and you don't stay in one place. you meet a ton of people, you don't settle...k... someday soon, i'll be liked. and even if i'm not, it's okay. everyone is soooo obsessed with these worldly issues. once you realise you're something so beyond that, everything is so clear. you focus on the souls of this earth, over things like money. but. what can you do. lately my only real goal is to be a sweet girl. i don't HAVE to be happy, i don't HAVE to be doing exactly the right thing every second i breathe, i just have to be kind. shit's hard lately, and that's always a gift from god you know. it filters out the people who aren't REALLLY there for you. we have to see the light in things!!! to think everything is intentional is comforting. sometimes it isn't, and often times we can tell it isn't, because what the HELL. but it's okay. i'm a grain of sand. a pebble. a strand of hair. and i love my little life. even if i don't know where i am, even if sometimes i don't recognise anyone, even if there's no one who knows me, even if no one seems anything like what i am. i like being small, and big too. i like what i have. and i'm happy. i get sad, but i'm always satisfied... oh and my results come out tomorrow, in 12 hours basically. ssoo excited..!!! you know i feel a little bad like people studied two years for this shit and i decided to study for like a week last minute. but you know i tried the best i could, and something tells me...that the angels are really watching over me this time. OHWAIT. this is a diary (is what evil greg would say) so im actually supposed to say. what i did. okay.... i watched bojack horseman basically all day and played my mlp game and WATCHED mlp. happy now??!?!?!