TW : MENTIONS OF SUICIDE
i woke up on a call with a stranger today. weird, i know. i had spoken to him for the first time the night before, he wanted to call me, whatever. naturally, i fell asleep. i usually do that when on the phone with anyone past midnight. he seemed interested in me, romantically, giving me basic compliments and talking about the two of us. we had a conversation about how have lives have been so far, how we're doing. i found it easy to talk to him, far too easy. he had said something, i can't remember what, and it reminded me of adam.i like to think of adam as a really good dream in which upon waking up i go awh and continue to think about it for the next couple days. adam, that's not even his name. he said he didn't like his actual name, so he let me choose one. from the moment we met he had already called me pretty, and seemed eager in talking to me. i remember our first conversation was about how he thought he was better than everyone else, how he was somehow special and deserved special treatement, that he should better himself for the purpose that he is destined for power and anything otherwise would be futile. i found out we shared the same favourite book, we liked the same shows, we felt the same way about things. most of all it felt like he loved me. he'd say things in such a way i didn't think i was capable of experiencing again. because i wasn't. i'm not. one night, ten minutes after telling me how excited he was to call me, he said it was too much. he could do this anymore. he couldn't have me.
to an extent, i had expected this. he had expressed feeling uncomfortable with commitment and found it hard to trust people, but still i didn't expect it to be over that soon. i had gone all in, and i had placed my bets in the wrong place. it wasn't his fault, unless he was lying and really his reasons aren't what he says they were. i have no way of knowing. we had promised to be friends, but that didn't last long, because i got blocked.
lately i've thought of him occasionally, only in the grand scheme of things, but at this point, on the phone with this boy, it felt too similar. today, i check my phone to find out he blocked me too. no i didn't do anything that i can recall, but i'm not a hater of those utilising the block button. explanation is preferred but i'm not entitled to anything. the thing that they have in common, is that they seemed to be like me. they'd talk in a similar way, have similar thoughts, and from the first word i felt understood. so how come that never lasts ? is it true that anyone anything like me is just hopeless ??
i do want a boyfriend, i'm bisexual so i've considered dating a girl but i find them sometimes draining to talk to, just because i get so nervous and really wanna impress them, so i don't think i'm ready yet. as an autistic girl i find it easier talking to guys, so i've kinda stuck with that. i don't wanna be with someone for the sake of it. i've always valued one person, seeking out their individual values and learning to grow with them, over doing the same in multiple different people. when i was in primary school, the way to do this would be to have a best friend, and i went through a few of those.
the first best friend i ever had was maja. she was polish, and had this long brown that reached her hip. i have little memories of her, i mean i was 4 or 5. i remember she found it funny to step on snails and found amusement in me crying over the matter ( my cousins also enjoyed doing this ) as well as one time at the park by our school, i sat down with her as we debated over wether or not a tangerine was an orange. she taught me about mandarins and clementines too, i thank her for that. she also always had carrot juice at her house, and i'd look forward to coming over because they bought it from a polish shop quite far from us. but of course then i moved to london, and we met up again a couple years later, but we didn't have much to say to each other.
then it was gracie, i've wanted to talk to her again for the long time, because as with everyone i've ever encountered, i still think of her. she had glasses, and was my first encounter with suicide, at age 8. she had a lot of sisters, her mother owned a cupcake shop, i don't know if she got much support at home. she told me she was going to kill herself, i was more confused than anything. it's that thing when you're young and don't get these kinds of things, it was almost silly. still, i told a teacher, because she was my BFFITWW ( best friend forever in the whole world ) so of course i didn't want her to die. i remember everyone telling me i did the right thing, and seeing our headteacher talk to her parents. we didn't talk after that. i hoep she's okay.
when i was 9, i was friends with shana, she had just moved from Iran and was paired to be buddies with me.. the school was getting worried i wasn't getting enough social interaction, because of course i didn't have any friends, and only ever stuck to one person. i helped her through english, i remember her explaining how she hated donald trump, because Iran wasn't safe and it was his fault. obviously i wasn't very up to date with politics then, but of course i agreed with her. her english became better quickly, and we had a lot of fun together. i remember going to her house and watching her favourite show miraculous, though i didn't like it too much. we also made a youtube channel, i told my cousins about it and they watched our video at our grandma's house ( then my aunt found out and told my parents.. they were NOT happy )
when i was 10, it was rough, i think that's a story for another post
point is, i've always been like that, sure i can have other friends but i always need that someone. someone who's there for me and i'm there for them. so that out of all people, when i need home, it's waiting for me. but now that i'm older, that someone is usually a partner, which makes sense. but that can also be dangerous. i'm very naive, at least my parents tell me so. even though i'm cyncial, i tend to see the good in people i want to see the good in, but it doesn't work out. i get excited, i have a lot of creativity and passion to put out into the world, and when given an outlet, it's not always right. love is the kind of art that is personal, that is messy not even in a pretty way, that can be wrong that never has to be perfect yet is still so beautiful. so of course i want that. i mean i don't get it from any other aspect of my life.
currently i am, effectively, alone. no one is in beau world. it's not that nobody can be, it's just a case of if anyone has the bother to be, and if i'll let them in. but maybe, because of my naivety that's the way it should be. i feel like that's the more mature approach, but i can't help but feel that's unfair. the reaason i don't want to be with anyone isn't because i hate myself and don't wanna be alone okay i'm not a shinnie. i quite like myself, but the extent to which i exist is limited. i can watch more shows, pick up more hobbies, write more of my book, be more creative, build up what is my self and perfect it, but for who to see? who can i tell when i learn something new? who can i teach, who to learn from. it gets so lonely. i claw at its walls and i beg that someone shows up already, but it's a slow process and i have to restrict myself from rushing, and at the end of every conversation i think "shit. why do i get in people's way all the time?"
unfortunately, this isn't a good start to the blog. it's not poetic at all. even so, i guess it is honest. it feels miserable a lot of the time yeah but i'm not sad writing this. yes, through the clicking clacking of my keyboard i've sat back and thought "damn that sucks" just to continue typing away, but i'm happy in who i am. i dont feel any anger towards myself anymore, i don't hold a grudge against me and i think i deserve things just as everyone else does. sure there are times where that dips, but that's natural, and it's okay. to YOU loyal reader, who has either for whatever reason read through this entire thing or skimmed it, i think you deserve happy things too. i have a lot of people telling me lately how bad their luck is, how things just don't go their way, and i just don't know what to tell them.
the universe, god, the celestial two year old is a giant shoving a plastic version of me into his nose that will then have to get surgically removed, whatever thing that controls stuff, i think she likes me. sometimes she'll do something that's magical only to me, like the time i wanted a shark magazine from tesco but it was too expensive so i bought a kinder egg, and inside was a shark toy. then sometimes she'll craft the perfect scenario to cause the most jarring panic attack i've ever had. she'll bring people then take them away, jangle my dreams like keys before my eyes before throwing them down a drain like episode 18 season 4 of peppa pig. she's very very mean to me and causes all this bad stuff but i think that's because she likes me. she wants me to live out my life, she wants me to feel as much as i can before i die and so does everything else because the world revolves around me, duh. so i meet people, i lose them, i cry and i die and rebirth so many times over. and in conclusion, the talking stage may kill me, but i'll come back from it. you know what, throw another 2 week talking stage my way, i can take it ( that is a joke i beg of you not another one )
in conclusion, yeahhh that's been on my mind lately. hope you erm ENJOYED whatever that was, i felt a lot of emotions writing it so i hope you went "oh erm..okay..." reading it. peace and love, and as 8 year old me would say in her journal, this is beau signing off, toodles xxxxx